JANUARY
Kris Meeke is hit with a mysterious bout of food poisoning before the Monte Carlo Rally. His Mini team ropes in fellow Northern Irishman Paddy Hopkirk to drive the car.

Hopkirk takes a famous win, only to be kicked out because some French official claims Mini has fitted illegal headlights to the car.

FEBRUARY
After Sébastien Ogier impresses on the Monte Carlo Rally in a VW-run Skoda Fabia, marque chiefs realise the marketing potential of having the Frenchman compete in cars from other Volkswagen Group brands.

Ogier turns up to Rally Sweden in a Lamborghini Gallardo, placing fifth in the S2000 WRC.

After realising that it has too many drivers on its development scheme, Red Bull bosses decide to create a third string F1 team alongside its title-winning squad and Toro Rosso.

The new team, which will be called the Friesian Rouge, will be based in Cowley in Oxfordshire. Russian Daniil Move is signed up, but there is no news on the team’s udder driver.

Following on from Trevor ‘T-Bay’ Bayne’s sensational win in the Daytona 500 in 2010, his little-known younger brother Eric wins the 2012 version. Those searching for information about him on Google are unsuccessful but there is a huge hike in visitors to internet auction websites.

There’s massive controversy at the MSA British Rally Championship season-opener when series chiefs discover a typo in the regulations. Instead of saying all entrants “must be two-wheel-drive only”, the rules instead state all entrants “must have two wheels only.”

Valentino Rossi wins Rallye Sunseeker on his Ducati.

MARCH
Mick Doohan takes a surprise win for Honda at the second round of the British Rally Championship, the Bulldog Rally of North Wales.

After the embarrassment of the fire truck rolling at Paddock Hill Bend in November, 2011, Brands Hatch bosses announce that professional drivers will be employed to pilot the rescue vehicle from now on.

Those lined up include ex-Formula Ford champ James Cole, sportscar man Bob Light, Mini ace Paul Spark, former BTCC man Ian Forrest and ‘Flash’ Gordon Shedden.

Alex MacDowall loses his seat in the RML Chevrolet British touring car squad. Instead, alongside Jason Plato, the team will run a machine for Wladimir Klitschko.

Friesian Rouge’s driver coach, Allard Kalff, reveals that the team’s second driver will be Milka Duno. We have herd that the technical director is due to be Cow Pat Symonds.

Sebastian Vettel wins the Australian GP by 24 minutes, which breaks the record for the biggest-ever winning margin. Nigel Mansell sends him a note to say well done.

Lewis Hamilton puts his poor performance at the Malaysian GP down to a split with his girlfriend Nicole Scherzinger.

APRIL
In a late entry into the BTCC, the Honda Racing Team replaces Gordon Shedden as Matt Neal’s team-mate with novice racer David Haye.

Ogier enters Rally Argentina in a VW-run Bugatti Veyron. The sportscar struggles on the bumpy terrain, and Ogier only just finishes ahead of the WRC Academy field.

Reigning IRC champion Andreas Mikkelsen is upstaged by local drivers on the Circuit of Ireland. Billy Coleman wins the event in his Opel Manta, leading home Cathal Curley in a Porsche and Austin MacHale in a Toyota Celica GT-4.

Red Bull man Vettel clinches the Bahrain GP win despite not even being in the country. It sets a record for the most victories by an absent driver. A tank finishes second. Mansell sends the winner a congratulatory telegram.
 

MAY
Ogier enters the Acropolis Rally in a VW-run MAN FE Series F2000 lorry, and is the only driver who doesn’t complain about the rough stages damaging his machine. After finishing third in the SWRC class, Ogier hauls the team’s hospitality unit back to VW HQ.

Hamilton claims his lacklustre performance at the Spanish GP at Barcelona is down to his recent break up with his partner Rihanna.

JUNE
Things get heated in the BTCC when Matt Neal and Jason Plato collide at Oulton Park. Klitschko and Haye immediately pull into the pits and engage in a brawl on behalf of their respective team-mates.

Klitschko wins and Plato is reinstated in the race results after a Technical KO.

Vettel secures the European Grand Prix win at Valencia despite having no functioning gears in his Red Bull. It sets a record for the most wins for a non-moving car.

Mansell dispatches a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates to Vettel.

JULY
Travis Pastrana misses out on his first British Rally Championship event win on the Jim Clark Rally.

The American stunt hero is leading the event, but crashes out while trying to do a double backflip on the jump at Swinton Crossroads. Instead, John Surtees picks up the win for MV Agusta.

McLaren scores an emotional one-two for Hamilton and Jenson Button at the British GP when all the energy drink-backed machines – Red Bull, Toro Rosso and Friesian Rouge – inexplicably pull off the track at Farm corner.

Mansell is outraged, while Hamilton says being single is the way forward.

At the Brickyard 400 NASCAR race, Trevor and Eric Bayne’s Scandinavian cousin, Tor, scores a sensational win. Those looking for him on Google are unsuccessful, but there is an immediate boost in the number of visitors to a Devonian coastal town.

Hamilton loses the Hungarian GP after shunting. He says he was preoccupied with emotion after parting from girlfriend Leona Lewis.  
 

AUGUST
BTCC champ Matt Neal crashes into his Honda Racing team-mate David Haye while they are running first and second at Snetterton.

Haye promises to punch Neal’s lights out, but will have to wait until his broken little toe is better. Bless.
 

SEPTEMBER
Ogier enters Rally GB in a VW-run Audi quattro Group B car. He is running third overall when an overly officious FIA steward remembers Group B was banned 25 years ago and instantly disqualifies him.

There is confusion when Citroën heads to the Royal Welsh Showground at Builth Wells for Rally GB, unaware that the event has moved from the site due to a clashing National Sheep Association Ram Sale on the same weekend.

Team chief Olivier Quesnel accidentally buys 200 Balwen Welsh Mountain sheep before the mistake is noticed.

Hamilton spins out on the opening lap of the Italian GP and blames irreconcilable differences with his ex-girlfriend Pixie Lott as the reason.

In the BTCC rounds at Rockingham, Neal crashes into Klitschko at the Deane hairpin. Neal pulls into the pits, gets into his road car and leaves the circuit before the Chevrolet man makes it back to the garages.

Lance Armstrong wins the BRC season finale, Rally Yorkshire, on his pushbike. The Texan takes the win after a bunch sprint on the final stage. Predictably, he is awarded the Pirelli Star Driver Yellow Jersey.
 

OCTOBER
Vettel wins the Japanese GP despite starting from his hotel car park rather than the pole position that he won on the Saturday. He sets a new benchmark for winning from the furthest back on the start line.

Mansell sends a locket of his moustache whiskers to honour the occasion.

Motorbase Performance claims the BTCC title when Lennox Lewis wins all three races at Brands Hatch.

Klitschko is excluded for an illegally fitted gum shield and Haye is banned for driving standards that are below the belt.
 

NOVEMBER
Hamilton’s season ends in shame as he crashes out of the Brazilian GP at Interlagos. He says he is under stress after his recent split with Cheryl Cole.

Vettel clinches the title for Red Bull and sets a record as the youngest three-time title-holder. Mansell sends him the keys to his Isle of Man home and a policeman’s helmet as a gift.
 

DECEMBER
Vettel attends the Autosport Awards, which is his 260th awards evening of the year. It sets a new record for trophies collected in a season and Mansell sends the German a marriage proposal. Vettel accepts.

Vettel announces that he is leaving his current team to drive for Red Bull’s newly created fourth team, the German-based Rot Stier.